


Safe to Sleep Tonight

by CoffeeKristin



Category: Hockey RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Happy Ending, M/M, Makeup Sex, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-02 23:08:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6586537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeKristin/pseuds/CoffeeKristin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Patrick misses Jonny. He misses him in the morning: when he wakes up and looks over at the pillow next to him, and he’s not there. He misses him on the way to work: sitting on the El with no one to nudge when the little boy in the boy scout uniform topped by a Shrek mask gets on by himself and sits down -- his backpack at his feet and his hands in his lap -- as though this is how he goes to school every day. He misses him at ten thirty: when he takes his break and there’s no one waiting at the Starbucks with his cotton candy frappuccino already ordered and a grumpy expression on his face because Patrick’s <i>always late, for fuck’s sake, Patrick, is it that hard to tell time?</i> He misses him at lunch and on the way home and at dinner. </p><p>He misses Jonny curled around him when he goes to bed the most, though. That’s when the day fades away and those moments before he slips into sleep, when Jonny used to whisper in his ear about his day, less words than soothing sounds, have turned into Patrick remembering all the ways life has changed since they broke up. Sleep comes a lot harder, now.</p><p>Bottom line, he misses Jonny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safe to Sleep Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I didn't plan to write, but just wouldn't get out of my brain. Happy ever after ending, but there's a bit of angst at the beginning. Thanks to [Frosting50](archiveofourown/frosting50/) for her usual support, and to her and [starzgrl](http://archiveofourown.org/users/starzgrl/pseuds/) for betaing. 
> 
> This is for the [One Goal, Infinite Dreams](http://onegoalinfinitedreams.tumblr.com/) challenge, and is dedicated to Pali who always demands break-up fic from me. Sorry about the HEA, bb, maybe someone will write that for you one day. :)

Patrick misses Jonny. He misses him in the morning: when he wakes up and looks over at the pillow next to him, and he’s not there. He misses him on the way to work: sitting on the El with no one to nudge when the little boy in the boy scout uniform topped by a Shrek mask gets on by himself and sits down -- his backpack at his feet and his hands in his lap -- as though this is how he goes to school every day. He misses him at ten thirty: when he takes his break and there’s no one waiting at the Starbucks with his cotton candy frappuccino already ordered and a grumpy expression on his face because Patrick’s _always late, for fuck’s sake, Patrick, is it that hard to tell time?_ He misses him at lunch and on the way home and at dinner. 

He misses Jonny curled around him when he goes to bed the most, though. That’s when the day fades away and those moments before he slips into sleep, when Jonny used to whisper in his ear about his day, less words than soothing sounds, have turned into Patrick remembering all the ways life has changed since they broke up. Sleep comes a lot harder, now.

Bottom line, he misses Jonny.

He still loves Jonny, of course. And he thinks Jonny still loves him, although apparently not enough, since Jonny’s not calling, hasn’t even been by to pick up his stuff, neatly boxed up and sitting by the front door. He hasn’t even asked Sharpy about Patrick. (“And stop asking, Kaner, I’m done being the go-between for you two idiots.”) 

When Patrick broke up with Jonny, he’d not meant for it to be forever. He’d been hurt and angry, and he’d lashed out. Again. And now Jonny’s gone, and he’s not coming back.

“God, stop moping and go on a date with someone already,” Erica says the next time they FaceTime, something Patrick’s been avoiding because he knows he’s got dark circles under his eyes, and Shawsy keeps telling him he’s even paler than his usual pasty-white self. “And get a fucking haircut, Jesus, Pat, you look like Einstein with your hair like that.”

Patrick can’t help smoothing his hair self-consciously, even while he makes a face at her. “Shut up, I’ve been busy.”

“Busy pining for Jonny?” She’s painting her nails, but she pins him with a long stare. “Either put yourself out of your misery and call him, or move the fuck on, Pat.”

“I-” Patrick can feel his throat closing up, and he has to grit his teeth to fight it off. Erica’s annoyed expression turns into something sad, and that’s all it takes for him to lose it completely. “I just, I miss him so much.” He wipes his eyes roughly, knuckles damp when he pulls his hands away, and he sniffs once, making a gentle, sad smile appear on Erica’s face. He has to look down then, or he’s going to lose it for real and make an even bigger fool of himself.

“Why don’t you just call him?” Erica asks after a long moment broken only by Patrick’s sniffles. “You know he’s just waiting for you to - “

“For me to what? To crawl back to him, beg him to take me back?” Patrick’s words taste bitter in his mouth. “He’s just proving my whole point, he’s moved on because whatever he felt for me, it’s nothing like how I feel about him.” His voice cracks at the end, and he swallows. “So.”

“Pat,” Erica says. “You told the man he didn’t love you enough and threw him out. Did you really think he was just going to, I don’t know. Stand outside your balcony with his ‘get Patrick back’ iTunes playlist until you gave in?”

Patrick snorts in spite of himself. “Jonny doesn’t have a ‘get Patrick back’ iTunes playlist.”

“How do you know? You should call him and ask, because if he does, he’s not using it right.”

“He doesn’t.” Patrick sighs, the feel of it like a balloon deflating inside his body. “Erica. I.”

“Patrick. You.” Erica says impatiently.

“I don’t even know why I called you, you’re not helping.” Patrick sniffs again, and Erica makes a frustrated, angry noise. 

“I’m going to come to Chicago and beat you to death, would that help?” Erica says mildly, and Patrick shrugs. 

“Maybe?”

“Oh my God, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you childish asshole,” Erica snaps. “I’m done trying to talk sense into you. Call him. Don’t call him. Go get laid. Just stop telling me about it, because you’re the one being stupid. You’re the one who decided he didn’t love you enough and was going to eventually break your heart, just because he wasn’t ready to move in with you. Well, congratulations, you broke your own heart without any help from him! Happy now?”

“Oh, fuck you, I didn’t - ”

Erica’s already hung up before Patrick can finish his thought. Fuck. Now he owes her an even bigger apology. And she’s not wrong, but she’s also oversimplifying. He hadn’t only broken up with Jonny because he hadn’t been ready to move in with Patrick. Or because he’d been afraid eventually Jonny would break his heart.

Patrick’s FaceTime chimes again, and he drops the phone in surprise. He hits accept as he’s bringing it up already speaking. “E, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that -”

“Pat?” A male voice -- Jonny’s voice -- asks, and he does a double take when he sees Jonny’s face on the screen. “Patrick?”

“I, uh. Yeah.” Patrick stares at Jonny in horror before he gets it together enough to say anything intelligent. Or semi-intelligent anyway. “Hi. Yeah. Uh, what’s up?” Patrick says finally. He’s sure his eyes are red, and it feels like he might have a trace of a tear under one. He has to school himself not to wipe at it; he knows Jonny can already tell he’s been crying, but he’s not going to let either of them acknowledge it if he can help it.

“How are you?” Jonny asks, a little too gently. 

Patrick’s not going to have to acknowledge anything if Jonny keeps up with that much longer because he’ll be openly weeping, so he forces a smile on his face. “Fine, I’m, uh. Fine. How are you?”

Jonny shrugs, looking uncomfortable, not really meeting Patrick’s eyes, and it makes something in Patrick’s chest swoop. “Been better.”

There are dark circles under Jonny’s eyes, and he’s cut his hair since the last time Patrick saw him. It’s way too short, the kind of buzzed cut style that he’d favored before he met Patrick, that he’d finally given up when Patrick told him how much he liked running his fingers through the hair at the back of Jonny’s neck.

“Oh,” Patrick says, biting his lip to hold back the instinct to demand answers to all of the questions racing through his mind. _Why are you calling? Why haven’t you called until now? Why did you cut your hair? Aren’t you sleeping? You don’t look like you’re eating right, either; when did you get so thin? ___

__He can’t ask any of them. He doesn’t have the right anymore._ _

__“I just thought I’d stop by and grab my stuff,” Jonny says after a long silence, when it’s clear Patrick’s not going to say anything else. “Sorry it took so long, I’ve been out of town.” And now that Patrick’s paying attention to more than the shape of Jonny’s face on his screen, he realizes Jonny’s standing on Patrick’s front stoop. “I would’ve used my key, but I didn’t want to just bust in.”_ _

__Oh, shit. This is it, then. The moment when Patrick has to stop hoping Jonny’s going to change his mind, going to beg Patrick to take him back._ _

__“Patrick?” Jonny’s frowning more deeply now. “Can I come in? I mean, if it’s not a good time - “_ _

__“No, fuck, sorry, just, give me a second, gotta throw on some clothes,” Patrick says. “One second.”_ _

__He runs into the bathroom to check his hair, tugging his jeans on, and almost wipes out and brains himself on the sink, barely catching himself in time. He does bang the shit out of his elbow, and he’s still rubbing it a minute later when he unlatches the front door and lets a visibly uncomfortable Jonny in._ _

__“Sorry, I just got out of bed,” Patrick says, backing up to let Jonny by. Jonny glances at him quickly, up and down, and Patrick flushes. He didn’t bother throwing on a shirt, and he crosses his arms across his chest self-consciously, making Jonny snort. “Shut up.”_ _

__“Self-conscious? With me?” Jonny laughs, and Patrick’s mouth twitches. “Like I haven’t seen it before, babe.”_ _

__“Hey, just because I don’t get off on walking around the apartment with my ass hanging out,” Patrick gestures at the bay window where Jonny routinely gave his neighbors a show in his tight black underwear. “God-damned exhibitionist.”_ _

__“Like I always said, Kaner, I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of,” Jonny drawls, then straightens out of the more relaxed stance he’d slipped into when he’d started teasing Patrick. “I mean. Sorry.”_ _

__“Oh, yeah, no problem, man. I didn’t,” Patrick looks around quickly, grabbing a shirt off the dining room table where he’d been sorting laundry. “Anyway. How - how have you been? You look…thin.”_ _

__“Haven’t seen you in six weeks, and the best you’ve got is that I look _thin_? Weak.”_ _

__“Okay, well, how about: what did you do to your hair? It looks God-awful, man,” Patrick forces up a smirk._ _

__“My hair?” Jonny says a little pissy, brushing a hand over the too-short style, and it makes Patrick smile a little more genuinely because no matter what, Jonny’s a vain motherfucker. “Hey, newsflash, asshole: you don’t get a say in how I cut my hair anymore, remember?”_ _

__And just like that, they’re glaring at each other. “I know, I didn’t - “_ _

__“I happen to like my hair. It’s easy to take care of, I know what to expect from it every day, no surprises popping up to take me off guard.” Jonny’s jaw clenches, and he glares at Patrick, challengingly._ _

__The barb lands, and it makes Patrick angry enough that he bares his teeth in a parody of a grin. “Well, your life sounds a lot easier, you must be so happy.” _Without me_ he thinks, and he knows Jonny can hear it even though he doesn’t say it._ _

__“I am,” Jonny says, raising his chin defiantly. “Emma went with me to get it cut.”_ _

__“Emma,” Patrick scoffs._ _

__“Yes, Emma.” Jonny narrows his eyes. “I don’t get why you’ve never liked her-”_ _

__“Because, Jonny, she’s been trying to get in your pants since she started working with you. You just never see it when people hit on you.” Jonny’s cheeks get pink, and he looks away quickly._ _

__“She - “_ _

__“Oh my God, she finally got through to you?” Patrick will never stop being grateful for the chair he’s leaning against because his legs give out so fast that if he hadn’t already been standing right there, he probably would’ve fallen down. “Are you dating Emma?”_ _

__“I’m not - “ Jonny pulls a face and makes an abortive move toward Patrick before visibly stopping himself. “I didn’t, I mean. She might have gotten drunk and grabbed my ass, but nothing happened.” He glares at Patrick, bitter and dismissive. “Not that it’s any business of yours.”_ _

__“Right,” Patrick knows how bitter he sounds, but he can’t seem to stop the words that flow out. “Like you didn’t come here to rub my nose in the fact that I meant so little to you that you’ve already moved on.”_ _

__“I haven’t moved on, Patrick! Fuck!” Jonny shouts, the sound echoing off the hardwood floors. “I hate this! I miss you every fucking minute of every fucking day! I wake up thinking about you. Hell, I wake up from dreams about you, grinning, and I turn to tell you and you’re never there. I think about you in the shower, when I brush my teeth. I fucking - shit,” Jonny slumps, rubbing his eyes, which are glassy. “I’m going broke taking Uber’s to work because I can’t make myself climb the stairs to the El without you.”_ _

__“You,” Patrick breathes, frozen in place. “You miss me?”_ _

__“Of course I miss you, you absolute jackass!” Jonny’s cheeks are bright pink, but with anger this time. “I love you, and you just - you just _dumped_ me without any warning, without any - “_ _

__“That’s not true!” Patrick protests. “I asked you to move in with me, and you said no! You didn’t want me!”_ _

__“No, Patrick, I didn’t want to move as fast as you. Big difference. And then - and then,” Jonny gestures at Patrick angrily. “You just broke up with me - like if you couldn’t have your way, couldn’t get it all now, get it from me exactly how and when you wanted it, I wasn’t enough for you.”_ _

__“That’s not - I only broke up with you because you didn’t want to get serious - ironic, since you’re the most serious man I know!”_ _

__“Just because I wasn’t ready to move in, Pat, it didn’t mean I wasn’t serious about you! Jesus. We’d only been dating for four months! I don’t get why waiting another year to move in together makes that big of a difference!”_ _

__“Moving in together would have saved us a ton of money and I just wanted - I want to be with you all the time!” Patrick can feel himself getting hysterical and takes a deep breath. “Fuck. I need a drink. Want one?”_ _

__“It’s nine thirty in the morning, Kaner,” Jonny says, looking torn between judging Patrick and joining him. “Fuck it. Scotch. Neat.”_ _

__Patrick raises his eyebrows at Jonny mockingly, because he was thinking more about a beer, but when Jonny’s right, he’s right. He makes them both a scotch, handing Jonny his before carrying the bottle over to the couch, plopping down with a deep sigh. Jonny knocks his back and is pouring another before Patrick’s taken his first sip._ _

__“Cheers, Jon,” Patrick says, chuckling a little at Jonny’s sour expression._ _

__They sit there, the quiet of the apartment settling in around them. Outside, Mrs. Whitsitt’s beagle is barking at a passing jogger, and the sun is shining. It’s almost spring and the tree in front of Patrick’s apartment has just started to bud. It’s so normal -- so _them_ \-- that it makes Patrick’s head spin a little._ _

__“Have you-” Jonny clears his throat when his voice comes out scratchy. “Have you, uh. Missed me, too?”_ _

__“Have I…” Patrick looks down at his drink, his cheek twitching almost against his will. “Yeah, Jon. I’ve really missed you.” He swallows the rest of his drink and looks up at Jonny, who’s looking at him with an expression of fondness and a little wariness. “I made a big mistake. I shouldn’t have - I wish I’d never broken up with you.”_ _

__“Why did you?” Jonny’s voice is sad, and Patrick shudders, his own melancholy triggered by the pain in it. “One minute you were asking me to move in, and the next you were breaking up with me.”_ _

__“I was afraid you didn’t feel like I do,” Patrick admits quietly, and Jonny inhales quickly, like he’s about to speak, so Patrick rushes on before he can, “and I thought being with you would only hurt me in the long run. Jokes on me, though, because all I did was hurt myself.”_ _

__“God, you’re such an idiot,” Jonny says, but he’s got a smirk flirting at the corner of his mouth, and Patrick can’t help grinning at him and nodding. “Shut up, I really mean it.”_ _

__“Hey, I’m agreeing with you, man, I am an idiot!” Patrick raises his hands in surrender. “An idiot who shouldn’t have pushed you to move in, or pushed you away when it wasn’t what you wanted.” He slides down the couch a little closer to Jonny. “Did I - did I fuck up too much or do you want to try again?” He swallows loudly. “Because I really, really want to try again.”_ _

__“Idiot,” Jonny says again, but the grin that was flirting with his mouth is now out, full-force and devastating, and it makes Patrick’s stomach swoop. “Of course I want to try again. I’m fucking miserable without you, Peeks.”_ _

__“Really?” Patrick laughs, and Jonny hits his arm lightly and slides his hand down to take Patrick’s._ _

__“It’s not funny,” Jonny warns, semi-stern, but Patrick laughs again, warm feelings fizzing through his veins at how Jonny’s looking at him, at the way he’s sliding even closer. “Asshole. I don’t know what I see in you.”_ _

__“Me, neither,” Patrick agrees happily. “I’m - God, Jon. I love you. I’m so sorry. And I love you.”_ _

__“Peeks,” Jonny says helplessly._ _

__And then they’re kissing, mouths meeting hungrily, almost angrily, and Patrick’s climbing into Jonny’s lap. “Uh, uh, oh,” Jonny groans when Patrick grinds down against him. Jonny stands up, hitching Patrick higher and striding down the hall. Patrick pushes on his chest. “Let me down, fucker, let me down!” But he’s laughing and Jonny, the asshole, knows he doesn’t really mean it, knows how much Patrick loves being manhandled. Loves manhandling him._ _

__“Shh, baby, I’ve got you,” Jonny says a minute later when they’re in Patrick’s bed, and he’s stripping Patrick. Patrick’s shivering a little, shaking almost, and when Jonny reaches up to touch Patrick’s face, he realizes he’s crying. “What’s wrong?” Patrick just bites his lip and shakes his head, and Jonny stops, hands going to Patrick’s hips, thumbs rubbing gently. “Pat?”_ _

__“Nothing, I - just. I almost lost you -- lost this -- and I haven’t been sleeping well. And I’m really horny. Ugh. Don’t look at me,” he says finally, “I’m hideous. Can’t you just turn me over and fuck me?”_ _

__“What an offer,” Jonny says dryly, and pulls Patrick close, holding him tightly while Patrick composes himself, his shaking finally tapering off. “Better?” Jonny asks, kissing Patrick’s temple, his hands running over Patrick’s back more deliberately, wandering lower and cupping Patrick’s ass a little on each pass._ _

__“Yeah,” Patrick sniffs dramatically, making Jonny laugh again. When he finally lifts his head, Jonny’s looking at him, concerned and fond and a little like he’s afraid Patrick’s going to spill emotions all over him. Which is fair, but still. Patrick grabs a tissue and sits back enough to blow his nose quickly._ _

__“Sexy,” Jonny says when Patrick’s tossed the tissue to the side making him roll his eyes as he reaches into the nightstand for the lube. There’s a box of condoms in the drawer, too, but when he looks at Jonny, Jonny’s biting his lip. “I don’t - unless - did you -“_ _

__“Nope,” Patrick says, shutting the drawer with a bang. “Nope.” He hands the lube to Jonny and rolls off Jonny so they’re lying side-by-side. “Hi.”_ _

__“Hi yourself,” Jonny responds, kissing Patrick gently. “You sure you’re okay?”_ _

__“I am, and I’m tired of being in this bed with you and not getting fucked through the mattress. So.” Jonny’s breath catches and Patrick grins at him sleazily. “You got any thoughts on that, Jon?”_ _

__“One or two,” Jonny says, leaning in to kiss Patrick more deeply._ _

__A few minutes later, Patrick’s squirming helplessly on the bed around two of Jonny’s fingers. Jonny’s flipped him over -- his man knows how to take direction, Patrick thinks -- and is driving into him hard enough that Jonny has to put his hand in the center of his back to keep him from sliding up the bed. “Oh, oh, that’s -- _Jesus_ \-- Jonny. That’s good, I’m good, I’m ready. Just fuck me alrea-- _Ohhhhh_ ” Patrick breaks off with a long moan. “Oh, yeah, right there. Fuck.”_ _

__After all that exhortation to get on with it, Patrick still grumbles when Jonny withdraws his fingers to line himself up, but then he’s shaking again. The thick, blunt head’s a gorgeous pressure against Patrick’s entrance, and he feels like he’s going to fly apart in all the best ways. Ways that Patrick can never get enough of, and damn him, Jonny knows it. So he waits, and waits, and just when Patrick’s about to shift himself back onto Jonny’s cock, Jonny presses forward, slowly, slowly until he’s all the way inside: a hot, slow pressure that feels dirty and wrong and right all at the same time. Patrick drops his head between his arms and shudders at the way the press of Jonny is lighting him up._ _

__Jonny keens when he’s inside, blows out breaths like he’s dying. “So - oh, God, don’t move, don’t - so fucking tight, Patrick, holy fuck.” Patrick has to bite his arm to keep himself from shifting, the pressure almost painful, and he can feel himself fluttering, spasming around Jonny’s cock. “Just, just need a minute,” Jonny whispers, dropping his head onto Patrick’s shoulder. “Just. God.” He breathes out a few more times and kisses Patrick’s shoulder. “Sorry, I - sorry, you okay, babe?”_ _

__Patrick makes an abortive laugh that dies when it makes him clench around Jonny, and they both groan. “Yes, yes, you - just fucking go, asshole, come on, you’re _killing_ me.” _ _

__Jonny makes a few more apologetic noises before pulling back and that ends their conversation, such as it was, for a long time Patrick hides his burning face in the sheets, and Jonny slides in and out, slowly at first, then more rapidly, until Patrick’s having to brace himself from the force of the thrusts._ _

__Patrick can feel his toes and fingers tingling from the pressure, but he knows it’s not enough. He’s going to need more, he’s going to need -_ _

__“Shh, babe, I’ve got you,” Jonny says, kissing his shoulder and reaching down to the cradle of Patrick’s hips, angling him a little so that Jonny’s cock is hitting his prostate a little on every thrust and sliding one hand lower to grab Patrick’s cock. At first Jonny just lets their motion move Patrick’s cock in and out of his loose fist, but when Patrick starts complaining -- in increasingly graphic terms -- he finally gets serious about it and squeezes his hand closed, punching a moan out of Patrick._ _

__“Happy - now - Kaner - “ Jonny grunts, out of breath, and Patrick nods and squeezes down around his cock the next time he bottoms out. It makes Jonny’s hand tighten, creating a devastating feedback loop that makes Patrick spasm around Jonny’s cock. They hang there, Jonny stilled inside of him, Patrick gasping and panting when Jonny starts actively jerking him off, until the feelings gathering at the base of Patrick’s spine finally make him smack Jonny’s hand off him, taking over._ _

__“Just, just fuck me, Jon,” Patrick gasps. “Go, come on, I need you to.”_ _

__“Oh, God, Peeks,” Jonny says, but that’s all he says before he pulls back and pounds into Patrick, the force making Patrick collapse a little onto his forearms, but he keeps pulling on his cock, the combined force of the thrusts taking him the last little way he needed, pleasure rushing through him. He doesn’t even realize he’s coming until Jonny stills behind him and comes, and Patrick’s spasming around his cock. Jonny’s emptying inside of him in jerky pulses, and Patrick moans, his own orgasm ebbing, but the pleasure lingering, even as he collapses under Jonny’s weight._ _

__“Off, off, you’re suffocating me, Jonny,” Patrick gasps, and Jonny groans and rolls over. Patrick pushes himself over, snugging up against Jonny’s side with a happy, sated sigh. “Jesus, you’re heavy as fuck, how can you look so thin and feel so heavy.”_ _

__“We’ve had this conversation, Pat. I’m not heavy, you’re just a little pipsqueak,” Jonny says, but he drops a kiss on Patrick’s sweaty forehead. “Gonna have to fatten you up.”_ _

__“There’s only one fatty in this relationship,” Patrick says, laughing when Jonny smacks him. “Seabs, of course. Who’d you think I meant?”_ _

__“Shut up, Pat,” Jonny says, tugging him in closer. “I need a shower. You need a shower.”_ _

__“And you’re buying me breakfast.”_ _

__“And I’m buying you lunch, and dinner, and breakfast tomorrow…”_ _

__“Can’t bear to let me out of your sight, huh?” Patrick asks, but he knows he sounds a little insecure, and he knows Jonny hears him, because he squeezes him tighter._ _

__“Nope, I cannot,” Jonny says. “Can’t bear it, won’t allow it.”_ _

__“Jeez, Jonny, it’s almost like you missed me.” Patrick knows he’s pushing his luck, but they’ve gotten this far before, and he needs to know - are the really in this together? Or is he just -_ _

__“Patrick,” Jonny says, pinching his shoulder to get his attention. “Stop. I missed you. I love you. I want to be with you.”_ _

__“Really?” Patrick rubs his head into Jonny’s shoulder a little. “I missed you. I love you. I want to be with you, too. But. I know I’m too intense, and I get it if you want to take it slower.”_ _

__“I don’t.”_ _

__“What?” Patrick pulls back to look Jonny in the eye, worried. “You didn’t want to before, why-”_ _

__“Peeks, I almost lost you. Hell, I did lose you. I can’t go through that again.” Jonny kisses him gently. “I think - I needed that time to realize that you’re the most important thing in my life, and I hate being apart from you. I’m ready to move in, if you’ll still have me?” He pulls back to look at Patrick, worried and hopeful, and Patrick can’t bear that Jonny thinks Patrick’s going to say anything but yes._ _

__“Yes, Jonny,” Patrick says helplessly. “Yes, of course, yes.” Jonny smiles, the biggest smile he’s given Patrick in months, and Patrick has to kiss it, has to taste it. When he finally draws back, Jonny’s eyes look happier, his face relaxed, if still too pale and thin. “But I’m not sure you should move in yet.” When Jonny’s mouth opens, he hurries on. “Because I think you were right. We’ve only been together for four months, and it’s really fast. My lease isn’t even up for another six months. Maybe we should just keep things status quo for now. I mean, status quo except for how you’re gonna spend all your time here again. Right?”_ _

__“If that’s what you want,” Jonny says. “But you get that I’m ready, right? If it’s what you want, what you need? I’m ready.”_ _

__“Oh.” Patrick sits back to think. “No, I think - I think I need to trust you on this, that you’re here for the long haul, whether we move in or not. So, let’s just… see how the whole living situation works out. In the meantime, we can look at places, and not sign new leases.”_ _

__“Maybe even - look for something we could buy?”_ _

__“Buy?” Patrick says, shocked. “I can’t afford - you can’t afford - _we_ can’t afford the cost of a mortgage. I mean, I don’t even have savings, where would we get a down payment?”_ _

__“I have some money set aside. Enough for a two bedroom place, I think, if we split the monthly payments. I think we could do it.”_ _

__“What? How? Are you independently wealthy or something and you’ve been keeping it from me?”_ _

__“No,” Jonny reddens a little, “but my parents made me start a savings account when I was a kid, and when I got a scholarship to North Dakota, they just rolled that money in. Whatever. I have enough saved.”_ _

__Patrick narrows his eyes. “How much is enough?”_ _

__“Uh. A little over a hundred thousand?” If possible, Jonny’s even redder._ _

__“US?” Patrick squawks, shocked. “Or is it in funny money, and the exchange rate means it’s like fourteen dollars and change?”_ _

__Jonny pinches Patrick’s side. “Yes, that’s in US funds, asshole. And my financial advisor - “_ _

__“You mean your mom,” Patrick interrupts, confident he’s right the way Jonny colors further._ _

__“My _financial advisor_ -”_ _

__“-slash mom-” Patrick can’t help interjecting again, and Jonny growls and tickles him until he’s gasping and begging him to stop, which leads to kissing, and begging of a different kind._ _

__It’s long minutes later when they finally get back to their conversation._ _

__“So _Maman_ said that we could probably afford a two bedroom,” Jonny says ignoring Patrick’s snort, “or even, maybe, if we bought in a neighborhood that wasn’t as trendy as the ones we’re in now, we could even stretch it to a three- What?” Jonny asked when Patrick can’t help the huge grin that breaks across his face._ _

__“Nothing, just. You’ve really thought about this, huh?” Patrick says, kissing Jonny’s pissy face until he’s smiling, too. “I’m just really happy, and- yeah. Yeah, I think we could move somewhere a little farther out.”_ _

__“Yeah,” Jonny says. “And if, you know. We ever. You know. We’d have enough room for a nursery.”_ _

__“A - what?” Patrick feels like he’s taken a bad hit, and he can’t catch his breath. “What?”_ _

__“No pressure,” Jonny says, lips quirked. “But, you know. I think it’d be nice to adopt, at some point. Or foster? I don’t know. But, yeah, I think if - when we get our place, we should be thinking about the future.”_ _

__“Oh,” Patrick says, quiet, and Jonny squeezes him a little to get his attention._ _

__“If you don’t want to have kids,” Jonny says, “I didn’t - no pressure, man, I just - “_ _

__“No, I.” Patrick has to swallow. “I do. And. Yeah. Let’s. Let’s look at three bedrooms.” He can’t get out all the things he wants to say, _I love you_. And _why didn’t you tell me you talked to your mom about us_. And _you never told me you wanted a family. And _I want you to be the father of my children_. And _how many children do you want?_ and _would you ever consider using a surrogate? Because I really want a child with your gorgeous hockey genes._ But he knows now that he can ask all his questions.__ _

___Jonny snorts. “My gorgeous hockey genes, huh?”_ _ _

___They talk about everything: what they want from a partner, from each other, what they dream of from their future. And then Jonny asks the question Patrick’s been dreading._ _ _

___“So, wanna tell me why you thought me saying no to moving in was me saying no to a future with you?” Jonny passes Patrick the check -- _”breaker-upper buys”_ is apparently something Jonny says out loud - and they start walking back to Patrick’s._ _ _

___“You, uh. Do I really have to? Wouldn’t you rather go back for round two?”_ _ _

___“Yes, and yes. Because once you explain, we’re going back to your place, and you’re returning the favor, bud.”_ _ _

___“Hmm,” Patrick lets Jonny walk get ahead of him for a few steps, admiring his ass. “I can get behind this plan.”_ _ _

___“Stop it,” Jonny blushes, grabbing his hand. “Now spill.”_ _ _

___It takes Patrick all of their fifteen minute walk home to go over the details of his first boyfriend, Alex, freshman year at Boston College, who’d been unwilling to meet Patrick’s parents, who’d never really called himself Patrick’s boyfriend even to their friends, who’d been everything to Patrick when Patrick had mostly been a convenient fuck for him. And Patrick couldn’t even totally blame him - “I blame him plenty, Jon, trust me. But, he told me a lot -- all the time -- that he wasn’t ready to be serious, that he didn’t think he wanted to ever settle down. And I just… didn’t hear him, I guess?”_ _ _

___Jonny makes an angry noise, and Patrick squeezes his hand. “I know, he was a total douchebag, a dick, everything that’s wrong with men -- and women, I guess -- but still. He was always honest with me. Anyway, ever since, I’ve been afraid that I’m somehow feeling more for someone I’m seeing than he is for me. It didn’t really matter, to be honest, because I went through boyfriends like I go through hockey sticks - “_ _ _

___“I noticed,” Jonny says darkly. “Being friends with you, watching that? It really sucked.”_ _ _

___“I know. But, whoever I was dating, it wasn’t hard to let them go, because I hadn’t felt anything close to the fear that I did when I was dating Alex until. Well. You.”_ _ _

___“Why didn’t you tell me about him?”_ _ _

___“I think I just, I don’t know, wanted to put that whole period behind me?” Patrick laughs bitterly. “Guess I didn’t, huh?”_ _ _

___Jonny grunts and squeezes Patrick’s hand. “Can you tell me what this had to do with us? I mean, I think I’m getting a clue but - ” Patrick nods and squeezes Jonny’s hand back._ _ _

___They’re next to a little neighborhood park, and Patrick doesn’t want to talk about this in his apartment, doesn’t want to take home all of this negative energy when it feels like they just cleared the air, so he jerks his head at the swingset, and Jonny goes easily enough. They sit on the swings, and Patrick lets Jonny’s hand go. “So I started to worry. And it took so long for us to get together, I’ve told you how into you I was, how long I waited to ask you out because I wasn’t even sure you were bi. So every time you said no to something, or didn’t sleep over, or couldn’t talk, I thought: maybe this is it, maybe he’s changed his mind, maybe....”_ _ _

___“Is that why you were acting like a tweaker the week before you asked me to move in?”_ _ _

___“Yeah,” Patrick says, quiet. Because even though it’s better now, that whole time fucking sucked and he can’t help remembering how bad he’d felt then. “And I was just so in love with you -- I am so in love with you -- and it took us so long to get together, and it was so perfect. Too perfect, almost? I don’t know. It scared me because I didn’t know if you were in it as deep as I was.”_ _ _

___“I was, Patrick, I told you I was.” Jonny edges to the side until their swings are touching, pushing at Patrick’s knee. “Dumbass.”_ _ _

___“And then my landlord wanted to know if I was renewing my lease, and I thought - I don’t know. It just seemed like it would solve everything: my worries about you hurting me or leaving me or whatever, and we could save some money on rent -- not to mention time traveling back and forth between our places -- and if you weren’t into it like I was into you, I just wanted to know.”_ _ _

___“Well, I can’t guess at that shit, Patrick, you have to tell me if you want something from me. Because if you’d put it that way - I don’t know, maybe I wouldn’t have wanted to move in, I can’t say - I know I could have made sure you understood how I feel about you. Instead of saying no and finding myself dumped.”_ _ _

___“I know, I - I’m really sorry, Jonny. I swear I’m not gonna do it again.”_ _ _

___“You’re fucking right you’re not,” Jonny says, but it’s confidently and with a little smirk, and Patrick feels something lighten in his chest. “Because I’m going to make sure you know every day -- every day -- how much I love you.”_ _ _

___“Oh, Jonny, I do know -- I did know -- this isn’t on you - “_ _ _

___“I know, babe, but it’s also my job now to make sure you remember. So just accept it - I’m gonna love the fuck out of you.”_ _ _

___“O… - did you say you’re gonna love the fuck out of me?”_ _ _

___“Shut up, Kaner,” Jonny says, smirk growing. “Now how about you take me back to your place and -- “ he leans in to whisper after looking around furitively -- “fuck me stupid?”_ _ _

___Patrick laughs and gestures around. “Dude, we’re the only people here, you don’t have to whisper.”_ _ _

___“It’s a playground, Patrick!”_ _ _

___“It’s not a church, _Jonathan_!”_ _ _

___They bicker all the way back to Patrick’s place._ _ _

___“So, you’re okay?” Jonny asks when they’ve collapsed next to each other for the second time today and Patrick’s climbing back into bed after cleaning them up and grabbing them water._ _ _

___“I’m fed, freshly fucked, and have the hottest man I’ve ever met in my bed, so yeah, I’d say I’m okay._ _ _

___Jonny rolls his eyes. “Fine, are _we_ okay?”_ _ _

___“I - yeah, Jonny. We’re okay.”_ _ _

___“Good,” Jonny says, the word interrupted by a huge yawn. “Can I sleep now?” He drifts off as quickly as ever, and Patrick spends a few minutes just watching him, face slack. The dark circles look lighter already, even though he’s not gotten any more sleep, and Patrick just loves him so much, he can’t bear it._ _ _

___“Peeks,” Jonny says, one eye opening. “Stop thinking and sleep.”_ _ _

___“I just,” Patrick says, and stops._ _ _

___“Yeah, I know.” Jonny says, drawing Patrick in and tucking him over his heart. “Me, too.”_ _ _

___Patrick sighs and squirms a little until he’s arranged himself comfortably. He can’t shut off his brain though, until Jonny cards his fingers through his hair and starts whispering, telling Patrick about one of his clients at the clinic yesterday, who’d demanded he write up a new diet because he wasn’t losing weight, and the warm sounds wash over him as he drifts off to sleep._ _ _

___Sleep comes easier, today._ _ _


End file.
